LOVE

I stopped posting a Saturday essay a while ago because I just didn’t have time to sort it out, but I’ve decided to resurrect it. These posts are not new – I wrote them years ago, but I think they’re still relevant.
They cover all sorts of issues, and others can be found linked on my pages. Or if you want a quick survey of them, click North’s Encyclopedia on Blogroll and you’ll find plenty of links.

LOVE

Cupid’s on the prowl.
You can’t see him, but he’s up there somewhere. He’s issuing his little, cherubic smile and giving his bowstring a twang.
He’s on the lookout – always on the lookout. And soon he spies the couple. Goes all a quiver as he takes out that little arrow ready to shoot.
The couple are young, a touch under confident. Neither of them have felt like this before and they are not sure the feeling is shared.
You know the feeling. Everything around you is so vivid, you feel as light as air, your heart feels as if it wants to burst …

GETTING DOWN TO BUSINESS

But insecurity dampens it, and you’re a little ungainly as you hold hands, make pointless conversation to put off the moment.
But as you feel really alone, the sun shining down to warm you, the purpose grows. The couple are no longer walking. They’ve stopped. They face each other, lightly holding each other’s hand, wondering what to do with it.
Eyes flit, not quite wanting to look at each other, but yearning it more than anything else in the world.
Then it happens. Contact. They go a touch swimmy. Slowly their faces come together. A light touch of lips. Exploratory.
Neither pulls away as Cupid pulls on the bow, and a second kiss is lingering, cementing a relationship as the arrow strikes.
Eons later, lips part, and both of them know they are in love.

IT DOESN’T EXIST

Bull! There’s no such thing as love.
Whoops! Sorry to shatter the scene. I’m sure you remember it well. I’m sure you knew, then, that you were in love for ever. But hey, guys, so did millions of others, and far too many of them ended up getting a divorce, the reality of love being a fleeting thing. But maybe that’s because we don’t yet understand this thing called love.
Is it love when the earth moves? Is it love when we can’t concentrate on anything but the person we love? Is it love when we feel this yearning when we’re apart? Is it love when nothing makes sense except your need to be with them? This is, of course, the usual explanation for such feelings.
But are we right to call it love? Or is this just some romanticised concept we attach to human relationships that produce such feelings? Personally, I think the latter. Because what we are really experiencing is infatuation.

WHEN INFATUATION GOES

Sorry to explode the myth. I don’t mean to be a kill joy. But I do so for a very good reason. Let’s fast forward a few years. They’re married. Sex doesn’t come quite so often. Through routine, the relationship is becoming boring. Neither partner tries quite as hard to look good for the other. After all, why should they? They live together, and home is where you unwind, go around sloppy, exhibit your bad habits.
And you think, did I expect it to be like this? Around you there is another world. And in that world is someone who makes you feel hot. Makes you feel swimmy. Makes you feel ….

SERIAL MONOGAMY

Well, we know how it makes you feel. You think you’re in love all over again. An affair follows. You split up from partner as Cupid begins to run out of arrows. Then, a couple of years down the road sex doesn’t come as often as before, the relationship is becoming a bit boring, etc, etc.
What a vicious circle. Serial monogamy; and all because you constantly think you’re falling in and out of love when the reality is you’re falling in and out of infatuation.
Let’s delete the second partner. Look at the first in another way. And see it as infatuation leaving the relationship rather than love.

IT ISN’T SO BAD

If we do that, we can begin to see the good points about the relationship. Basically, what does your partner DO for you? Are they there for you when you’re down? Can you talk to your partner about anything?
At night, in bed, do you feel revulsion for your partner, or is the feeling comfortable? If all these things are a reality, then what you have is the second element of this thing called love.
I would call it a deep companionship. You see, infatuation cannot last forever.
And so often when infatuation goes, we think love goes, but in reality this thing called love is only just beginning to form.

DIFFICULT TIMES

It is a difficult time of life for a relationship. But a relationship which survives this transition is a solid thing to be cherished. Yes, there’s much bickering, there are times when you just want out. But to see it in terms of infatuation going rather than love, a different aspect of the relationship can kick in, giving you the impulse to work at it.
Central to that relationship must be honesty. If you can be honest with each other, then you’re onto a winner. This is vital because when a further infatuation arises, it will easily seem to overcome companionship, and either partner can stray.
The resultant affair rarely breaks up a marriage, however. Time and time again, the thing that did for the marriage was not the affair but the deceit. And all too often, after the deceit has broken them up, they will look back with regret.
Then, for a moment, they will realise that what they’re really missing is the companionship.

IN CONCLUSION

So this thing we call love is infatuation changing to deep companionship. In the old days, social taboo helped people to stay together through this terrible transition. But in the modern world there are no taboos. So maybe we need to slacken up on the rules of marriage.
I’m not suggesting rampant promiscuity. But I don’t think we should automatically class an infatuated affair as a reason to throw such a beautiful companionship away. For such companionship is far more fulfilling, far more fundamental and true than infatuation could ever be.
Infatuation is fun. Companionship is hard work, but the benefits in the long run are legion. And once we understand this simple fact, I would dare to call it love.

© Anthony North, June 2003

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