Don’t you just love him. There he is, at the party. He wears the smartest clothes, has the neatest hair; his eyes stare in their hypnotic way, stripping you of any form of rebellion.
Whether male or female, you’re putty in his hands.
Of course, the women wouldn’t trust him in an empty room; deep down the other men are jealous of him – secretly, even hate him. But he’s the life and soul of the party, always such fun, and wow! just look at the success he’s made of his life.
NOT AS GOOD AS HE SEEMS
Pity about his wife, though. You can imagine her being quite a looker in her day, but now? What a miserable hag. You know, she just doesn’t deserve him. Well, maybe. But most likely, when he gets home, he’ll beat her up.
This is the thing about wife-beaters. So often, when you find out, you think: I’d never have thought it of him. But he’s the most likely.
Perhaps the first to identify this character-type was the science fiction writer A E Van Vogt. In his description of the ‘right man’, he gave understanding to the apparently supremely confident person hiding, beneath the veneer, a total monster. We can all glimpse him, in his anger if ever proven wrong. Indeed, the ‘right man’ will claim black is white to prove his point.
You all know him; we’ve all met one – maybe got one as a friend. But the truth about him comes when, having had enough, his wife rebels and leaves him. Within no time at all, the confidence is gone and we discover that our thoroughly confident friend is a nervous wreck.
SOMETHING TO PROVE
He always had been, of course, but you never saw it. His life was built around being able to suppress another individual – usually his wife – in order to feel his own self esteem. Luckily, we only tend to find the marital Right Man today. Maybe not very lucky for the wife, but in previous times they had jobs like torturer or concentration camp guard.
I’ve gone into detail about the Right Man for a very good reason. He seems to be the ultimate confident person, but really he’s a psychological wreck. Of course, not every apparently confident person is a Right Man, but the basic psychology is the same. And it’s all to do with having something to prove.
They simply have to be the best at what they do. But it comes at a price – the entrepreneur driving himself to an early heart attack; the film star, supremely confident, until he scurries off to the therapist.
A SOCIETY THING
It is all to do with what society expects of you. Whether male or female, modern culture is geared to success and perfection. And it’s not just in your job. You have to look good, you have to have a smart car, your home must be immaculate.
This all forces us to push ourselves on and on, always displaying confidence, because like a pack of wolves, modern societies can smell under confidence and that says failure! But deep down, we’re not like that.
Put it like this. Show me a confident man and I’ll show you a wreck. It works nearly all the time, for I don’t think true confidence can exist.
I remember well trying to tell this to a very confident man. ‘We all have hang-ups,’ I said.
‘Not me,’ he replied.
In the end I told him he had a hang-up about hang-ups. You should have seen the neurosis rise.
AN EVOLUTIONARY THING?
It’s counter to what we are, you see. Evolution has given us survival mechanisms, such as pain to know when we’re hurting ourselves. And one of those survival mechanisms is all about insecurity when facing a situation.
In its obvious form, it’s called fear. It makes us aware of what we’re doing, and the possibility that it could go wrong. But in the modern world, we’re not allowed fear. We’re only allowed to be go-getting, no matter what the cost to ourselves.
The inevitable consequence of this is that the social person people see is not the person you really are. You all know this is true. When you get home after being supremely confident, the mask slips, the drink is poured, the exhaustion sets in, and you wonder: why the hell do I bother?
BE UNDER CONFIDENT
Well, keep asking yourself that. Why DO you bother? Who are you doing it for? Why do you erect a mask that isn’t you? What drives you? What thrusts you on? Yep! You’ve guessed it. It’s the under confidence at the heart of who you are. The under confidence you will never let show.
Some people in society are supremely confident, and they know it. In their own way, they’re as successful as anyone else. Many go straight to the top. They are not party animals. Many never even get married. They’re happy with themselves.
The avid TV viewer will no doubt be able to name such characters on the screen. The most obvious that comes to mind in the UK is Roy Cropper in Coronation Street. You know, a bit of a weirdo – but who is it who stands up for right, who is it who goes through life facing his problems and overcoming them?
Who is it who can sleep well at night?
But he’s a failure, you say. At heart, he is not the kind of person I would want to be. So let me give you another. Let’s see. Not a party animal. Let’s add, a bit of a loner. You’ve just described Jean Luc Picard of the Star Ship Enterprise, one time sexiest man in the world and hero of the universe!
Accepting your insecurity is not a recipe for disaster. It is the recipe of the solid, hard working, reliable person who can succeed without the psychological cost. Maybe it is time for YOU to put away your mask. You may then be able to live.
© Anthony North, July 2007
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Why is Harry Potter so successful? I’ve never read a Harry Potter book or watched the films. Yet I can name many of the characters and have knowledge of the plots. How is this possible? Can it be explained by simply accepting he is all over our culture?
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